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The People

Letters from Cardiff in lockdown: Anon

This instalment of Letters from Cardiff in lockdown is from a person who’s very special to us, and has chosen to share their lockdown experience. If their story hits home with you, there are people that can help.

Lockdown liberation – a complete contradiction in terms, right? No. Apparently not. At least not for me.

Nine years ago I got married. The usual fairytale stuff – or so I thought. Like so many relationships, the outer perception was far brighter than the inner reality. What appeared happy, loving and ’successful’ was unhealthy, coercive, and lonely. Really lonely.

I lived life on pins for 18 months, lying to those closest to me. If the truth be told, I was lying to myself too. The delusional “it will all be fine if I work hard enough to help him change“. The crippling “why was I too stupid not to have seen this earlier?”. The poisonous “it’s probably my fault anyway”.

But one day something happened. I don’t really know what exactly. I just broke. I broke and I left it all behind. I had £20 to my name, packed a rucksack I still had from school, and went home to my Mam and Dad. And then I cried. I cried for my 20s; I cried for the home I thought I’d created here in Cardiff; and I cried for the family I’d hoped he and I would create and raise together.

Seven years on, in these strange lockdown times, I’m still on my own. Turns out that the bit of me that deals with anything beyond platonic relationships has proved to be stubbornly unfixable. The thought of a relationship is petrifying – what if I pick another bad egg? What if, despite repeated attempts by friends, family and therapy to convince me otherwise, it turns out that he was right, and I was the disaster after all?

It’s paralysed any attempts to move on in THAT domain for years. Any glimmer of interest striking the fear of God into me, followed swiftly by a “well I’m not going to do anything about that because imagine the utter shame of showing an interest in someone only to find them avoiding you like the plague once they work it out”.

But then lockdown arrived. And everyone is quite literally avoiding each other like the plague. And there’s time to talk to people, to let things grow. To avoid the crippling horror that overcomes you when you imagine bumping into someone the day after you may have suggested the most tentative of interests in getting to know them a little better; or worse still, imagining having to explain the sorry story of a pretty abusive relationship in person at some point.

And guess what? Lockdown has been liberating. It’s freed me to show the most tentative of interests. To strike up a conversation I’ve been too petrified to even contemplate in Real Life, on The Outside. And I’ve felt excited at the prospect of WhatsApp pinging, in a way that I thought had died long ago when the apparently unfixable bit got broken.

So yes, lockdown is almost entirely grim. It’s succeeding in exposing all the gaps I’d tried to fill with other people and other things, and has made life resemble a bit of a leaky colander for the time being.

But leaky colanders let mucky water escape, and while I feel a bit ridiculous admitting that it’s taken a global pandemic for it to happen, it’s probably about time for the mucky water to be flushed out.

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The People

Letters from Cardiff in lockdown: Lee Eynon

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This instalment for the Letters from Cardiff in lockdown series is from Lee Eynon. Lee runs Fuud blog – an “occasionally entertaining blog about stuffing your face in Cardiff. We’re looking for your stories, so please contribute to Letters from Cardiff in lockdown!

A few weeks ago, when all this started, I had the same conversation with several people. It was never said out loud, always confined to the shadows of the DMs and WhatsApp groups of my most trusted friends.

“I know this is terrible” it would begin, “but I’m, sort of… quite enjoying lockdown.”

There’d be a bone-chilling guilty silence as the other party began typing, then the response would come: “Er, yeah me too, actually.”

Before the pitchforks and flaming torches come out, let me back up a little bit. I fully acknowledge that I went into lockdown in a ridiculously privileged position compared to many people. My job can be done fairly easily from home (frankly the fact that I have a job and a home right now is privilege enough), I don’t have kids to educate or keep entertained, and big ‘Rona is yet to pay me or my family a visit.

But I can’t deny that in many respects, the restriction on movement has been good for me.

I’m exercising more, I’m sleeping better, and I get to hang out with my wonderful other half and our idiot cat every day.

I’ve started to actively enjoy the structure that work brings, and I feel like I’m doing better at my job than I have in months. I’m even ringing my parents more often.

And then there’s the cooking.

All this time to practice plus the challenge of coming up with a weekly meal plan based on whatever we can get our hands on has forced me to experiment and learn so much more.

It doesn’t always work out well; last week’s leek and potato gratin ended up as more of a soup with a roof, and it turns out you don’t see parsnip mash very often because the texture is a bit like custard with bits of string floating in it.

But for every misstep, there’s been a little victory; my Korean Fried Tofu game has come on leaps and bounds, as have my fish tacos. My huevos rancheros are up there with the best I’ve had, and I don’t want to get into a banana bread measuring contest here, but mine is absolutely on point right now.

This is not to say I’ve not had bad days. There have been more than a few sleepless nights worrying about my parents. Mornings stressing about having to go shopping, and whether I’ll be able to pick up what we need without being coughed on.

Overall though, I have to admit, with no small measure of guilt, that I’ve been kind of ok with lockdown. Or at least that’s what I thought until yesterday.

Our friends Phil and Andy were passing, so they decided to drop off a pot plant they’d been meaning to give us for ages. I wasn’t prepared for how I’d feel when I opened the door and saw them standing there, two-socially-distant-metres away in the middle of the street.

Like most people I’ve been keeping in touch with friends on Zoom – chatting a few times a week, doing pub quizzes etc – but actually seeing a mate at the door in person blew my mind.

We spoke for less than five minutes, but the physical rush of seeing familiar faces – other humans that didn’t have to be considered an obstacle, or a threat in some way – was just incredible.

After they’d left I was grinning so hard my cheeks hurt. I really, really want to feel that again. I hope we all can soon.

Follow Lee on the FuudBlog website, Twitter @FuudBlog, and on Instagram @fuudblog.

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The People

Letters from Cardiff in lockdown: Lorna Cabble

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This instalment in the Letters from Cardiff in lockdown series is from photographer Lorna Cabble, who is currently studying for a masters.

I’ve gone from working and studying 60 hours minimum a week to having nothing to do. I’m someone who needs to be busy, otherwise I just get depressed.

The break started out as a little holiday but very quickly got boring. I need a schedule, so I think the hardest thing has been forcing myself to be busy, which was difficult at the beginning. But I’ve gotten into the swing of it now.

I’m living in a house with two other women at the moment in Cardiff. I work full time as a manager in a cinema, but I was eventually put on furlough. I am also studying for my masters degree in documentary photography on top of that, but I’ve interrupted my studies until next March, as I couldn’t shoot what I needed to. Having gone from putting a minimum of 60 hours a week into work and studies to then having nothing to be working on has been mental. I’m someone who needs to be busy otherwise I just get depressed.

I’ve spent a lot of time journaling (written) which has really forced me to think about where I want to take my degrees/career and also how I can take care of myself better, both physically and mentally.
Forcing myself to stay active instead of sitting is difficult, but always better after you do it. I’ve gotten in touch with a few performer friends and we’ve done and planning some photoshoots via webcam just as a way of staying creative.

I’ve found the social aspect more difficult, but not in the way where I miss talking to people and feel more lonely, people are reaching out to communicate more online and I’m actually more socially active than I’ve ever been but I’m such an introvert that it’s a little overwhelming and have to recognise when I just need to take a day with the phone switched off – I think reading yourself is really important and being able to follow through on what you need. We’re all going through crazy times so it’s not like anyone can, or should judge you on the way you’re choosing to deal with it. Just do you (within reason and law!).

Despite being a major grumpy introvert, I mostly miss being around the people I love to photograph. I was working closely with a children’s local dance school before this and teaching photography and making them a documentary and I actually do miss that a lot – but I’m still working with them – it’s just all online. It’s been a real learning experience, forcing myself to adapt and work in different ways.

These photographs are from two of my lockdown photoshoots – experimenting with shooting through webcams hooked up to my TV. It’s a real challenge, but it’s a good challenge. They’re experiments and they’re not perfect, but it’s a way to keep working. The burlesque dancer doing Mr Bean is Dainty Dorine.

Having to shoot like this – it’s definitely taught me a lot about myself in a way I didn’t expect it. I was for sure expecting to need to adjust to embracing a ‘poorer quality image’ because I’ve always been quite a straight forward sharp and clean photographer. I’m actually loving how ‘poor’ they are because it’s just representative of how we’re seeing ourselves now.

In person, I’m more gesture based than words based, I don’t know why, and I always knew on some level but I didn’t realise how much so. For example, if I was in the studio or on location with a model/photo interest, I’d be showing them where I want them to be and leading by example, rather than telling them. Doing photoshoots like this – it’s all words and a lot of “no, the other left” – but also, a lot more giggling (from all involved) because it’s just a surreal situation and actually super fun!
It’s definitely polishing my attention to detail too because I’m having to get them to tour me around the location on webcam so we can choose somewhere to shoot.

Follow Lorna Cabble on Instagram.

Want to submit your own Letter from Cardiff on lockdown? Email it to wearecardiff@gmail.com.

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The People

Letters from Cardiff in lockdown: Natalie Pilllinger

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This instalment for the Letters from Cardiff in lockdown series is from Natalie Pillinger. We’re looking for your stories, so please contribute to Letters from Cardiff in lockdown!

I’m writing this on 22 April, 2020. I’ve been working from home since the 18 March, 2020. It’s day 35 for me and my three sons in lockdown.

A little bit of background; I’m the lone parent of three sons; Taylor (19), Jack (17) and Cale (13), affectionately known as my teen aliens. I manage JETS, Reach, Community benefits and targeted recruitment and training.

Reflecting on the early days of lockdown – day seven was the hardest for me. The office was still open and people were still going about their daily lives, but I felt really isolated. I felt overwhelmed and worried. I was out of the loop, my routine had all but disappeared and the pandemic was triggering so many of my anxieties.

What would happen to my children if I was taken ill? What would I do if they are taken ill and I couldn’t see them? Social media was reporting terrible things, supermarkets were empty, people were panic buying, my stocks were running low and I couldn’t go out, my brother has a congenital heart defect, was he going to die? I wanted to run away and hide. To top it all off I had no alcohol, paracetamol or toilet roll.

Irrational thoughts and feelings started to gain control, negative thoughts and feelings. What was I going to do? How could I fix it?

When things at home are hard I anchor myself in work, and vice versa. But both of these places were becoming difficult to manage. Nothing felt safe or secure, and I wasn’t in control.

I went to bed on Tuesday 24 March after having had a very ‘ugly’ cry (you know the kind I mean) to my cousin on the phone. I did some breathing techniques, and revisited some of my coping strategies. I woke up on Wednesday 25 March and decided to make a plan of action. I booked three days of annual leave, and decided to get the house sorted.

I felt that that was one thing I could control, and it would have a positive effect on me and my boys. This was by far the best decision I made in the early lockdown.

I had already set up a self-isolation WhatsApp group with my friends and family (there’s now 20+ of us on there!) and they have been (and continue to be) my life-line.

We have pulled each other along, organised quizzes, we had a DJ set from one of the girls. We talk about everything and anything, nothing is held back. It’s raw, funny, brilliant and there’s always someone to talk to. We have laughed together, and we have cried together. I felt and still feel very lucky to have these wonderful women in my life. I’m talking to my friends and family more than ever and I love it.

My son Taylor (the oldest) is a keyworker, so is pretty much self-isolating when he’s home. He’s just started to study for a new career, and is very determined. He has dyslexia, so this is not easy for him. Having to drive him to work at the moment is actually useful, as it  means I can deliver essentials to my parents as well. I get to see them in person (from a safe distance!) at the end of their drive – this is good for us all. I feel for the people who can’t do this.

My other son Jack is studying mechanical engineering at college. He was worried about not passing because of the pandemic, but he’s  now studying and completing assignments to ensure he stays on track, which is amazing! He’s also dismantled my rotten shed and chopped it into firewood and is helping me out more than ever before around the house. I feel that he’s adapting really well. We now have a lovely back garden to sit in and enjoy. It’s a lovely sun trap, which was previously taken up by something ugly. It’s really lovely to lay back in the sunshine.

My youngest son Cale struggled and needed us to set him a new routine at home. He now has a plan, for meals, exercising, school work, and free time. He is cooking – even making bread from scratch! He pretty much follows any recipe I put in front of him – he wants to be a chef (has since he was about six) so he’s able to have the time to learn and practice these skills. We are enjoying talking to each other and learning new things together, and having a safe fire pit and chopping wood in the garden helps. He’s missing rugby training and his friends. He has control over his new routine, in terms of timings, he needs the flexibility too. I bought him a basketball net and he walks the dog everyday. We’re so lucky to have great countryside right by where we live.

We are sitting down together to eat meals now. I didn’t realise I was missing it until we started doing it again.

I now feel like we’ve got the hang of the lockdown. We have created lists of projects and tasks to complete around the home; for all of us to do when we need to occupy our time and distract ourselves.

I plan our meals and snacks, because the food bill has skyrocketed. I’ve found local suppliers for deliveries; milk and eggs, butchers, fruit and veg. How on earth I would afford wine to get me through was one concern, although it didn’t take too long to sort that out!

In terms of work, it’s been tough. My team were feeling a little frustrated, as things were changing quickly, there was so many communications coming from lots of different angles; emails, chats and phone calls. I listened to the team, we problem-solved, and we came up with a plan of action to continue delivering the support projects offer to tenants and the wider community.

We had clarification from our funders that funding would continue, which was brilliant and alleviated some concerns about jobs being secure. We talked about fun things to do and had after work drinks together wearing improvised masks.

I speak to everyone from work daily – face to face, over the phone, on WhatsApp. It’s not always work related, sometimes just to check in on people. Some are coping, some aren’t, but that’s OK – we are all all different and have different pressures. We’re united and we are supporting each other.

Working from home has meant we connect more online. We are also able to focus and communicate better away from the office distractions and interruptions. It’s less formal. I like it, but I really miss their faces and the chats we have in person!

I don’t miss sitting next to the photocopier, but I do miss my interactions with others in the office, we all do in some way or another.

Thinking about the future, I’m reflecting and considering it. What do I want to do? What can I do to make it happen? How will our ‘new normal’ look for everyone? What will my personal ‘new norm’ look like?

One thing is for sure, now is the time to make some decisions and plans personally, and professionally.

So, on day 35 I’m sat here having drunk far too much cider last night; I feel settled, I’m happy and I’m safe and I’m loved. I have a lovely warm cup of tea, I have the music on, my boys are around making noise, the back door is open, the breeze is lovely and the sunshine is beautiful too.

I’m feel optimistic, I am happy in my own skin, more than ever before and I know what works for me won’t work for everyone else.

At the end of the day I can only control my reactions, my life, I can’t ‘get’ others to do things the same way, but I can share, open up and empathise.

We all have things in common, we are, after all human beings, we are all in this together; we all have a chance to reshape, reflect, pause, consider, and create our own unique ‘new norm’.

From me to you

Nat
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Natalie Pillinger is originally from Ely, but now lives in Talbot Green and works for a social housing provider.  She originally wrote this article to share in work, and we’re grateful that she decided to share it with us. Follow Nat on Twitter @NpPillinger.

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The People

Letters from Cardiff in lockdown: Jane Cook

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This instalment of Letters from Cardiff in lockdown comes from Jane Cook, a freelance PR practitioner who lives in Canton. She also writes the  sustainable food blog Hungry City Hippy and is one half of the duo who produce the Hank! Cardiff food podcast.  We’re looking for your stories, so please contribute to Letters from Cardiff in lockdown! 

When the full lockdown was announced, my first thought was ‘oh, shit.’

When the full lockdown was announced, my first thought was ‘oh, shit.’ That’s because around 50 per cent of my projected income as a freelancer was planned to come from working with local restaurants and food festivals this summer, and I knew that as they were pretty much closed down with immediate effect, those contracts would be the first to go. I was worried about whether I would still be able to earn enough to pay my mortgage, which isn’t small, as we only paid a five percent deposit towards our house in Canton which we bought four years ago.

As it turns out, so far things are going okay. Personally, my income has gone down by about a third, but my outgoings have also been slashed by not being able to go anywhere or do anything, so I’ll be okay. I’m using the extra free time to cook more, podcast, write my blog, and help out with some pro-bono work on some of the feed the NHS campaigns in the city. The government support for freelancers will also apply to me so I have that to fall back on if I need to. I feel incredibly sorry for freelancers who have been on their own for less than a year as they won’t qualify for support and have probably not had a chance to build up as wide of a network for potential work.

The way that restaurants have responded to the crisis in launching deliveries and takeaway offerings – quickly and with very little help – etc has been incredible to see. I just hope that the restaurants make it through to the other side. I am doing as much as I can to support them with orders and home deliveries during this difficult time.

Moving my work life into the home hasn’t been especially hard for me; I used to work from home when I first went freelance, and whilst I don’t like doing it all of the time, it’s fine really. My other half – who works for Cardiff Uni – works from the spare bedroom and I’m in the front room, so we have our own spaces. I’m also very used to having client meetings via video etc as it’s much more efficient than travelling to meetings all the time; I have clients based in Aberystwyth and Abergavenny and this was always the norm for us.

My home office!

Health-wise, both myself and my husband are low risk. We’re in our 30s, with no underlying health conditions, and pretty healthy, but we’re staying in to protect others. We’re friends with a few healthcare workers the same age who’ve had the virus – a GP who got it and was sick at home for a couple of weeks but has since recovered, and another friend who tested positive but had no symptoms. My grandad’s brother unfortunately died from it last week – at a care home in Sheffield – which is really sad; especially for my grandad as he can’t go to the funeral and has to deal with his grieving alone.

The thing I miss most about ‘normal life’ is other people. Being able to have friends over for a BBQ, being able to go out to eat / drink / dance is one of my favourite things, and whilst video calls can replace client meetings, they’re no substitute for catch-ups with more intimate acquaintances. I miss being up close with my friends and having conversations that flow more easily without WiFi drop-outs and frozen screens. I know my mum is finding it much harder than I am as she is furloughed, so doesn’t have the distraction of work in the week. I am glad I have something to occupy me and keep my brain busy.

I am learning to appreciate the benefit of regular exercise, and I never thought I would be a person who said that! I hate working out, have never been a gym bunny, but in February I started the ‘Couchto5k’ app. It’s a nine-week series of podcasts that builds you up to being able to run 5km in half an hour by coaching you through three runs a week. I have been able to stick to it (socially distancing of course) and I finished the program last week, with a 30-minute run around Victoria Park. I plan to keep up the habit of running three times a week for as long as I can.

For me, one of the most positive changes that I have seen so far in this crisis is the shift in people’s relationship to their local economy and to food.

Local veg box schemes are popping up all over and subscriptions are soaring, people are cooking from scratch more, and they are looking to their local food producers and retailers for help in feeding themselves, instead of relying on the big supermarkets for everything. This is good news for local jobs, local farmers – everyone. I hope that that those habits will continue for long after this is over.

The other thing that has fascinated me is the way that people have been looking to nature to cheer themselves up during lockdown – it shows that most of us still value that connection and are suddenly appreciating it anew.

Sadly, the reality is that collectively we have treated nature so poorly for so long in the name of economic growth. Now that growth has been stalled, people are realising that yes, things could be different, and in some ways better. I wrote a more detailed post about the lessons I hope we learn from all of this here: COVID-19 BRINGS OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH NATURE INTO SHARP FOCUS.

Follow Jane: Hungry City Hippy website | Hungry City Hippy Twitter | Hungry City Hippy Facebook | Hungry City Hippy Instagram

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The People

Letters from Cardiff in lockdown: Neil Cocker

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There’s a beautiful synchronicity at work in the universe sometimes, as evidenced by this – our first ever instalment of the Letters from Cardiff in lockdown series, written by the wonderful Neil Cocker who also wrote the first ever story that we EVER published here on We Are Cardiff, nearly ten years ago. Neil has spent a lot of the time since then travelling around and living in other countries, but has ended up back here in the lockdown. All roads lead back to Cardiff! Big love to Neil and thanks for this – the first post in our new series, examining how you’re all managing through the lockdown. We’re looking for your stories, so please contribute to Letters from Cardiff in lockdown! 

Castle Street Cardiff, 6pm, 25 March 2020 – photo by Neil Cocker

At the beginning of 2016 I left Cardiff, “temporarily” moving to London to work on a three month project. I didn’t know then that I wouldn’t return properly to my adopted home for nearly three years, and would live at the very far side of Europe for two of those. 

Just over a year on from my return, I find myself living right in the city centre. Not my first choice of location in a city that offers so many options to those looking for a suburb that feels like home. But a result of circumstance, luck, and others’ generosity for a wanderer who hasn’t quite settled again yet.

On returning, my relationship with the city changed, and continues to change, as I’m now able to compare it fairly with other European capitals. But also I’m now able to see the city centre “as it is”, without shoppers, tourists, coffee shop flâneurs. The lockdown has dissolved the flesh, tendons, arteries and organs. All that’s left are the bones; the empty streets, closed shops, and those that call the centre “home”. And among those bones two things have become very apparent to me.

Firstly, one of the things that struck me hardest when I returned in late 2018 was the extent to which homelessness was now an un-ignorable facet of the city centre. Now, with the streets so quiet, I can see the homeless community much more clearly. But I can also hear them.

When I first left Cardiff I felt that the situation, while bad, was one that was easy to pretend didn’t exist. You could see a huddled figure in a doorway, and hope your headphones were prominent enough that you could pretend not to hear any requests for money. Now, after what appears to be a sharp rise in homelessness, I’m not just ashamed of my own ignorance. I’m also ashamed at just how much, as a society, we were failing the people that needed our help the most. 

Living in the very heart of Wales’ capital is an odd experience during lockdown. It’s quiet for the first time in the 12 months I’ve been in this apartment. I don’t just mean that there are very few people in the streets during the daytime, but that I don’t get woken at 3am by drunkards shouting, as people stagger up The Hayes to their homes and hotels. I also don’t have to keep my windows closed on sunny days just to take the edge off the volume of a busker playing the same six songs on repeat. Now it’s very, very quiet – just me, my open windows and the sound of seagulls occasionally fighting over the dwindling scraps of food, or having noisy, hasty, bird sex.

Pretty much the only human voices I hear now are those of the homeless. Their voices are no longer drowned out by the hubbub of a thousand shoppers, so they’re louder and more evident. No longer the inconvenient, marginalised 0.1%, they make up a much bigger proportion of the people who are on the streets of the centre. They can’t be ignored, as they may be literally the only person on the street at the same time as you. Whether we will step up to help them in the long term after this pandemic ends remains to be seen.

The other noticeable thing about the city centre is that, despite the increasing number of  large blocks of flats, there appears to be little in the way of “community”. Or, not that I’m aware of, at least. In my apartment complex alone there are over 300 flats, although I suspect that occupancy is nowhere near 100%. Yet, I’ve never heard of one single communal activity. Apart from a few familiar faces with whom I’m on nodding terms, I have almost zero interactions in this building. And this saddens me.

Maybe it’s the lack of “need” around which a community can coalesce, because we all live in the very heart of the action. I remember back in my dim and distant past, that those who lived in the student halls at Senghennydd Court complained of a lack of community there. They lived a short stumble from both the city centre, and the Students Union, so they didn’t “need” to create a community. Those of us consigned to Llys Tal-y-bont (a much smaller development back in the mid nineties) had to make our own entertainment, as we’ve all heard our grandparents say. We had to form friendships and bonds late at night in others’ apartments, because we couldn’t just go to the Pen & Wig to meet friends. We were, we felt, many miles from the action. And that was what created a need.

As we’ve seen during this pandemic, many communities have stepped up to fill the gap of their regular interactions at their local Coffee No.1 by creating a Whatsapp group for their street, or putting flyers through doors offering food shopping for those in quarantine. Humans seem to create community when there isn’t one. But not here, it feels. Maybe because there’s no central point, value, or identity around which to gather. Especially when everything is closed, and all the suburb dwellers aren’t here, too. Regardless, if city centre living is to continue growing at the same pace, we need to find ways to provide people who live together to get to know each other in an easy, unforced way. How will we facilitate interactions outside of awkwardly acknowledging each other while waiting for the lifts? Architects and city planners call these “third spaces” or “bump spaces”. Spots where you can meet people outside of home or work and, hopefully perhaps, get to know people that you wouldn’t normally meet.

Where are the spaces in a city centre where we can dwell, outside of the cafes that we use to have preplanned meetings? More importantly, why aren’t the buildings in which us city centre dwellers better at making it easier for us to meet, and learn about, our neighbours? There’s no doubt that the lockdown has made us all consider our lives in different ways and examine the things that are important. I just hope that the cities that we build in the future reflect and embody these changing priorities. For those that sleep next door, and for those that sleep in doorways – community is everything.

Follow Neil on Twitter @NeilCocker. He’s recently set up his own newsletter about community, the science of happiness and wellbeing, a (secular) retreat he’s going to be running, and how we build a happier, better world. Sign up to Neil’s newsletter.

You can help Cardiff’s homeless and vulnerable by donating to some of the following organisations:

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Finding homes for Cardiff’s abandoned dogs – meet Alex!

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We’re animal lovers here at We Are Cardiff. (Yes, my dog Zelda has her own Instagram, don’t judge me, I’m a DOG PERSON). And you can’t be a Cardiff-based animal lover on Instagram without following  Alex – aka therescuehotelcdh. She devotes all her spare time (and her entire IG account!) to helping the abandoned poochies at Cardiff Dogs Home. So I decided to spend some of my spare time talking to her about her passion for those pooches.  So here she is – meet Alex!

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A girl and a dog

I started volunteering at Cardiff Dogs Home in 2016. I’m originally from Pontypridd but moved to Cardiff just before that.  I always loved dogs, and all animals. My parents had an English bull terrier called Dylan, and I loved him so much. But they split up and my dad took the dog with him, I didn’t really speak to my dad so that meant I didn’t see Dylan, which made me sad, every single day. So I think i needed to give my attention and love to some other puppers, who are desperately in need. That’s how I started out helping at Cardiff Dog’s Home.

I’d love to see my Dylan and I think about him all the time, but I don’t think I ever will. That’s why I have a soft spot for bull breeds, especially English bull terriers. I think they have a bad reputation with a lot of people – I think people think they look so scary, with their long piggy nose and eyes. They’re also very stubborn, so I suppose if you don’t know the breed you would feel very unsure of them.

We used to get a lot of Staffordshire Bull Terriers being turned into Cardiff Dogs Home, but not so much anymore. There are still a lot of staffies, and most bull breeds. At the moment we seem to be getting a lot of French bulldogs in. As the craze for a frenchie is ending, there seems to be a lot of them dumped at the home (most have been used to breed, which is sad).

We also get a lot of greyhounds and lurchers. Most of them have been ex-racers and when they’re no longer wanted to race, they end up with us.

The best thing about helping out at the home is seeing dogs go to their forever homes. Especially the long termers  (ones that have been with us for a long time), and the ones that struggle with being in the kennels.

Agnes was a lovely dog who came through the home, and when I think of her it’s bitter sweet – I loved her so much, and I regularly took her home on respite to give her a little break from the kennels. I knew that someone else could give her a great home, and now she’s living the high life in England. She has a house in England and France, and her parents are home all day so she’ll always have someone around. I miss her!

Then there was Peter, who constantly got over looked, a lady from Devon drove all the way to meet him and it was love at first sight. Then there’s Oggy, bless his little heart. He’s with the most lovely couple, he’s in the most perfect home for him and you can see how much both of them dote on each other. Then, there’s Roxy. She went on a home trial today, seeing her drive off in the back of the car with her teddy in her mouth was the sweetest thing. We’re all hoping that it’s going to be her forever home. We have a feeling that they’re going to keep her, they were such lovely people just what she’s been waiting all this time for.

Roxy, who never leaves home without her trusty teddy in her mouth

It does happen that someone takes a dog with them and it doesn’t work out. When people adopt a rescue, most people know that it will take time for the dog to settle into their routine. You have no idea what that poor dog has gone through, so they need more time and patience.  On some occasions (not a lot), some dogs get brought back as the people who adopted did not realise what having a rescue dog entails. I mean, it’s great that more and more people are choosing rescues now instead of going to breeders, but I think you definitely need to do your research on rescue dogs.

Rescue dogs are not your typical dog. I think they know they have been given a second, third or maybe fourth chance in a new home (depending on how many times they have been passed about before arriving at the home!) but it will on occasions take them longer to come out of their shell.

For the dogs that have been brought back to us, they always go on to find a better home for them.  I always think I’m glad they’ve got brought back because it was a reason for this. Their new family was mean to have them, and the pups are so much happier. It’s like they know this. So it’s sad when they come back, but then when you see them with a new family/individual you see that they were always meant to be with these individuals instead. Everything happens for a reason, as they say.

A black dog with its tongue hanging from its mouth

If you’re looking for a way to feel good about yourself or to socialise or learn new skills, there’s no better way to spend your time that volunteering at Cardiff Dogs Home.  If ever you’re feeling down, or need a little bit of a pick-me-up, volunteering at the home will always put a smile on your face. The dogs are sooo happy to go out on their walks, and despite that they are homeless with nothing, they have so much joy and love to give. It also really puts things in perspective.

I spend all my weekends down the dogs home, and if I have some time off from work I’m usually down there!

If you’re thinking about adopting a dog but worried about getting an older dog, please, PLEASE don’t get put off! In regard to the older dogs, these are the ones who need homes the most. They’ve spent most of their life with the people they class as family, to only find themselves at Cardiff Dogs Home at some point, bewildered, and confused. It’s no place for an older dog to be (or any dog). When the older pups get adopted it’s like they are smiling when they are leaving, they know that they can now live their last few years in a home environment on warmth and comfort.

Adopting a rescue dog will change your life, for the better. You’ll get to see how loving and forging they are, after they have endured so much. It really does put things in perspective. It’s like they know they have a second chance and they will do anything for you, they are so loyal and loving. It makes you appreciate the little things more, and not worry about mundane trivial things you may have been stressing about.

If you are thinking about adopting a rescue dog, do it. Their lives matter, they’re just a bit less energetic than a puppy. But in my opinion, they’re much better! They’re usually already house trained, the older ones generally need less exercise than the very young ones. They just want to be loved, and to love in return. If you’re interested, please have a look at my @therescuehotelcdh instagram or check info about Dogs Looking for Homes.

A large brown and white spaniel
Jonah, who has recently joined Cardiff Dogs Home – looking for his forever sofa!

Cardiff Dogs Home really relies on volunteers. You’ve got to think without volunteers, some dogs may not get the much needed walks they need. Staff at home will walk the dogs but because they have so many other things to do, it can be very limited. But volunteers can walk the dogs for however long they want, some volunteers also adopt that one dog that they bond with. Which is great. It also gives the opportunity for the dogs to get used to different people. All of this helps them getting rehomed, and them ending up with their perfect homes.

So if you just think ‘I’m just a volunteer’, you’re not – you are so much more than that! If this sounds good to you, register to become a dog walker at Cardiff Dogs Home.

I set up my Instagram account @therescuehotelcdh in 2016. I  hated all social media! I know you wouldn’t think it now from looking at how much I post on there. I remember asking my friend what Instagram is, and how it is different to Facebook, because I had no clue or no interest. But I did want to start up something that would  show people these dogs were lovely pets waiting for their homes. I wanted to do something different rather than just say the same generic thing that others post up, such as the basics like breed, age, name etc – I wanted to show their personality (because they all have different personalities, that you totally see when you spend time with them!) So that’s why when I write the posts I wrote it as if the dog is talking, just so it gives people more of an insight into them. I hope it helps!

The next steps for Cardiff Dogs Home are exciting. We’re setting up a charity which will be such a game changer. We have had so much interest social media wise, we should be up and running with charity status soon, which is so exciting.

This means that it will be much easier for people to donate money, and all of the money will be used for the pups and whatever they need. We’ve also got Sam Warburton on board as an ambassador which is amazing.

So this year will definitely be one of my highlights and it hasn’t even really started yet!

Alex Milakovic is a dog lover, originally from Pontypridd. She runs @therescuehotelcdh Instagram account, where you can get up close and personal with all the lovely dogs that have ended up in Cardiff Dogs Home. Alex remains dog mad, and currently lives in Cardiff.

More on Cardiff Dogs Home:

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The People

Music, poetry, and metropolitan life – interview with Agiris

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Are you a fan of trip-hop? Dense lyricism? Modern gothic aesthetics? Have you spun Mezzanine by Massive Attack a bit too many times? Then check out Agiris, the musical project of poet turned musician and Cardiff resident Ryan Draper. His sound skirts the border between poetry and trip-hop, delivering a sound that pushes electronic music to catharsis. Ben Newman sat down with the  songwriter to discuss all things music, poetry, lyrics and metropolitan life.

Agiris is a collaborative project, correct? How did this collaboration with Sunbane come about?
You’re partially right. Agiris is the solo manifestation of my artistry as a writer and performer. You could say it’s a sort of character for me to explore my creativity, but it also allows me to exhibit an artform that I wouldn’t necessarily express as just Ryan. As Agiris I’ve been working towards the completion of my first mixtape, ‘Anima’ and a lot of the work produced for this project has been a collaborative effort. I’ve worked with a range of producers including Sunbane, Jonatan Bäckelie and Bexxo, composer/pianist Ezra Nixon, photographer/videographer Seanen Middleton, make-up artist Lauren Labram and iron-cast melder Ashleigh Harrold. Sunbane has contributed a significant amount to my work and we’ve got a pretty co-operative partnership going on. As well as helping me to enhance some demos and producing some of the tracks for my mixtape, I’ve performed alongside him at this year’s HUB fest and supplied vocals for a track on his upcoming Alchemist EP (out Dec 14th), which will be my very first release to hit all the streaming platforms. Synergistic vibes all round.

Q. Do you tend to write lyrics after listening to his production or does lyric writing come first?

My mixtape has been written for a long time now. I revealed Agiris back in May of this year and the time since has been about finding the right music to dissolve the words in. There was one production that I received from Jonatan where I wrote a completely original track over it, but everything else has been lyrics first.

Q. You’ve defined your music as “poetrip” which indicates a fusion between trip-hop’s aesthetics and poetic lyrics. Aside from this genre-lyric relationship, what else does poetrip stand for?

It’s mainly that the focus is on the words. As mentioned before, most of the tracks were written and performed as poems or spoken word pieces before having the music to accompany them. The mixtape itself flows between very structured and rhythmic verses and fluid, soft spoken interludes with a more poetic delivery. I’d like to think that the reader could delve into the lyricism of any of my tracks and extract the messages or the emotions of what I’m trying to say from just reading or listening to the words alone. I suppose the music is there to enhance the experience but also act as a gateway to the lyrics. I’ve also found it uncomfortable to express what I do as rap. Rap brings to mind very specific connotations which I feel I don’t quite fit into. Poetrip, to me, suggests a more image invoking or story-telling genre and one that allows for a bit more flexibility.

Q. Considering your background in writing poetry, how have you found the transition to writing lyrics? Do you tend to follow a similar writing style/method or is it a totally different thought process?

It’s odd. I’ve always written with the rhyme in mind so that hasn’t changed. With spoken word you can sort of take the structure any where but with music I’m very aware that I need to ride the instrumentation just right and allow for more constriction. I’m discovering the art of flow!

Q. Both lyrically and sonically, Agiris tends to delve into dark sounds and textures. Who are your major inspirations for this sound? Are there any lyric-writers/vocalists you tend to look to for inspiration?

For the past few years my favourite music to listen to has been dark electronic pop and alternative R&B (FKA twigs, Banks, Abra, James Blake, Sevdaliza, Kill J). My mixtape has been massively influenced by the likes of Portishead and Tricky, but particularly Massive Attack and their Mezzanine album. I’ve always wanted to re-create its deliciously atmospheric soundscape. Lyric wise- I love the way Bjork writes. She writes without any sort of conditioning. The freedom in her lyricism is tangible to me. Lorde is also a terrific writer. I could just read her album and feel the music in the words.

Q. Out of these inspirations, who would be your dream collaborator?

I’ve actually thought hard about this because I wouldn’t want to feel too intimidated if I were to work with someone I look up to. I’d get too nervous and make a t*t of myself. So bearing that in mind, I’d have to say NAO. Some of her darker tunes are my favourite songs and I LOVE her unusual, honey-sweet voice. Her lyrics are so poetic too: “You’re a holiday, a glass of ocean slipping down my throat and landed on my hopes”. I’ve actually met her and she was incredibly humble- it was like talking to an old friend, so I think we would actually write something great together.

Q. Do you view and evaluate music a little differently now that you’re making it?

Yeah, sadly it has sort of diminished its impact ever so slightly. Before, I would be mesmerised by music and wonder how the hell the artist could come up with something in bewilderment. I still get that! But now I’m working on the software and recording for hours at a time, I’ve started to view the whole concept of music in more technical terms. Sometimes I just need to be found in the right moment and the magic comes flooding back.

Q. Your last track, Monstratum, was sonically your most challenging song yet, nodding to genres such as drone and industrial. Where do you see your sound going in the long-term? Was this more left-field and confrontational sound an indication of your future work?

Monstratum’s concept is about the universal capacity for evil and so I wanted music that was aggressive and haunting to convey its idea. It’s probably the heaviest moment on the Anima track listing. Anima is a very conceptual project and my aim was always to tie it together with a cohesive sound. Before Anima and Agiris, I was making music as part of a duo that was very sarcastic and humorous with simple pop/hip-hop beats. Anima was born out of a need to want to be taken more seriously and to use Agiris as a vessel in which to challenge myself and my insecurities. I was sort of hiding behind the humour before because I was afraid to be sincere and declare myself as someone with true, artistic intentions. Now that I’m getting more comfortable with it, I’m excited to continue to use eclectic sounds and maintain an alternative aesthetic.

Q. Before releasing Monstratum, you released a quote from Carl Jung’s essay ‘On the Psychology of the Unconscious’ regarding the nature of evil. Do you derive a lot of intertextual inspiration from psychology and literature?

It’s funny, it’s kind of like a self-fulfilling prophecy for me. I was trying to find a stage name for myself and I kept coming back to the colour silver, the moon and the soul. Eventually I decided upon “Agiris Anima” as a sort of indirect translation for “Silver eyes to the soul”. I cut it short with Agiris but I realised that most of what I was writing about fit with the Anima title. I knew it translated from Italian to ‘soul’ before I knew of the Jungian archetype. I’d also written the basis for Monstratum before I knew of Carl Jung and then I researched some of his quotes and particularly his concept of integrating the shadow. I noticed my poetry aligning with his philosophies and the notion of the Anima became the catalyst that sort of made everything slot into place as a project. I’ve also used a snippet of a philosophical conversation between Dr. Jordan Peterson and Russell Brand. I found the dichotomy of these two individuals, who are both viewed as radicals of the left/right paradigm, just calmly talking about philosophy together to be a notable anomaly in today’s divisive political climate. I took a snippet of where they mention Jung’s alchemical axiom ‘Insterquilnies invinetur” (that which you need will be found where you least want to look) and I used it to introduce a track called “Truth Is…Vacant” which talks about how, in my opinion, the ignorance of truth has been elevated in our culture.

Q. How was HUB Festival? You’ve got lots of experience performing poetry, but I imagine performing music live for the first time was nerve-wracking. Got any live dates planned soon?

For a first-time performance, I think it went well. But it’s that thing where you know you can give it so much more. It’s going to be a challenge to deliver on stage exactly what I have envisioned in my head, but I’m determined to get there. I’m hoping to secure a Mixtape Launch gig next year.

Q. For lack of a better term, your aesthetic is underpinned by something that’s distinctly urban. How does living in a city like Cardiff affect your writing and artistic approach?

I write a lot about mundanity, pessimism and feeling stagnated. I thought this derived from the isolation of the valleys, but I seemed to write more about those concepts living in Manchester and Cardiff. I lived right in the centre of both cities and could still feel intense isolation amongst the metropolitan buzz, perhaps more so than Tredegar. Despite that, I still get motivated living in the city to want to share my work and meet other creators. I like to use Cardiff’s locations for a lot of the scenes in my music videos too.

Q. Cheeky question: when is the mixtape dropping?

If all goes to plan, it’ll be an initial free download release on the 1st of March 2019. Hopefully with a full-platform distribution to follow.

If Agiris seems to hit the right note with you, then keep your ears primed for a new single that drops December 14. For more, check out his music and keep up with him on:

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The People

Meet Sully’s tortoise lady – Ann Ovenstone, MBE

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The last place you’d probably expect to find the International Tortoise Association is tucked away in someone’s back garden in the sleepy town of Sully, in the Vale of Glamorgan. And, yet, that’s exactly where it is. The Association and its sanctuary are run by Ann Ovenstone MBE (she is known to friends and associates as ‘the tortoise lady’), and she’s helped along by a team of dedicated volunteers.

A few weeks back, I went along to meet Ann and visit the sanctuary, to make a small documentary Ann the tortoise lady for the BBC (it was shared on BBC One!! I know, check us out!!). You can watch the final piece here, although it’s edited down from about an hour’s worth of chatting and wandering around the wonderful sanctuary…

But there was loads more we discovered on our chelonia tour (chelonia being the generic term for tortoise/turtle/terrapin) than I could fit in the short video, so I thought I would share the rest of the visit here.

The association started in a relatively organic way – Ann got her first tortoise aged around five (it cost six pence from the local market – and she still has it!), and then as she got older had some other friends who also had tortoises. The animals started laying eggs, but no one really knew how to look after them, so Ann started researching … and over fifty years later, has pretty much dedicated her whole life to the care of these weird reptiles.

She works with UK Border Force to help identify illegally smuggled species, which can be  challenging and upsetting work – she says that some of the largest hauls can contain up to 300 animals, half of which are usually crushed to death in transit.

While a few smuggled animals can sometimes be saved, they can never be returned to their natural habitats, as there is too high a risk of introducing bacteria or germs they might have picked up here. Instead, these animals have to be tagged, and they must be returned by their new owners to be checked every six months, to make sure they havenot been sold on for profit. It’s complicated and time consuming business, but for Ann – who has spent a lifetime in the company of chelonia – it’s worth it.

The Association’s members work tirelessly to ensure the welfare of tortoises, including caring for the sick and injured, rehoming, events, breeding and hibernation programmes. All aspects of the tortoise life are undertaken at the sanctuary and the specialist expert knowledge of those involved ensures that all tortoises who are born, bred and live there receive the utmost in chelonian care.

Although Ann says tortoises are perhaps not the ideal pets (when compared to more interactive animals like cats or dogs), they are definitely full of personality – being in the sanctuary felt a little bit like walking amongst very small and quite nibbly dinosaurs. They especially like painted toenails, as Ann told me they think they’re tiny tomatoes (both of us made the mistake of wearing sandals on the day of filming …).

The sanctuary (aka Ann’s garden) is an overwhelming complex of small runs, sheds, ponds, industrial fridges (to help with hibernation) and warm indoor tanks (to help with incubating eggs). They hold open days throughout the year, and also provide services for members like taking in tortoises to hibernate in optimum temperatures, and incubating eggs to hatch. If you have a tortoise in your life, or are interested in having a weird, tiny, prehistoric looking reptile join your family, then head to one of their open days to find out more.

Find out more:

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The People

We Are Cardiff – Helia Phoenix fifth on The Independent Happy List 2018!

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YES YOU GUYS IT IS TRUE!!! We Are Cardiff’s director Helia Phoenix was nominated for the Independent’s Happy List 2018 – AND HAS MADE IT TO NUMBER FIVE IN THE LIST!!!!!

So this is The Independent’s tenth annual Happy List – naming 50 outstanding people whose volunteering, caring, fundraising, mentoring, charity work or selflessness make Britain a happier place to live

The Happy List was founded in 2008 as an antidote to the lists that celebrate status and big bank balances. Instead, it honours the “Great Britons” doing extraordinary things for others with no thought of personal gain; those who often go largely unnoticed and unrewarded.

Being called a Great Briton is a bit weird, but other than that, Helia is very excited and honoured and humbled and all the rest of it to be featured. A BIG THANK YOU to whoever nominated her!

Helia says:

“It’s really very exciting to be featured in the Happy List this year – I had no idea anyone had nominated me and it’s a real shock, especially when you read some of the other incredible people featured on the list. I started We Are Cardiff in 2010 because I saw there was a gap in the content I was seeing about Cardiff. I was reading endless negative news reports, and it just didn’t chime with the Cardiff I knew and lived in. My Cardiff has lots of people doing wonderful, selfless, altruistic things for the good of their neighbours and their communities. I see generosity of spirit and interesting alternative action and arts and culture all around me everyday, and I just thought it deserved a platform where it could be promoted and celebrated.

“We Are Cardiff has achieved loads since then – we’ve made a documentary film, won Blog of the Year, been named as one of the world’s best city blogs, been interviewed for overseas travel documentaries, and we’re one of the top 20 most influential Twitter accounts in Wales. Get in.

“Despite everything we’ve achieved, I don’t think we’re quite there yet – there’s plenty I’d still like to do with We Are Cardiff, and earlier this year I got a grant from UnLtd. I’d like to try and turn the brand into a social enterprise, moving the mission forwards in its endeavours to celebrate and integrate people who live in Cardiff, whatever their backgrounds.

“I particularly would like to turn We Are Cardiff into a platform where people that are under-represented in the media/journalism/PR can develop skills and experience to follow careers in those industries. I remember when I was younger and first trying to forge a career in the media – I did work experience and had small jobs in various media organisations (I won’t say which) – but in every one, I felt hugely out of place. I was female, I’m of Middle Eastern origin – these were workplaces that were male dominated, middle class, overwhelmingly white and straight. I think we should be celebrating difference and I want We Are Cardiff to be more of an embodiment of that.

“I really want to thank everyone who has supported We Are Cardiff throughout the years; people volunteering their time, skills, and experience to try and make Cardiff a better place – through blogging, at least.”

Helia would like it to be known it was excruciating trying to write this without humblebragging.

Follow Helia on Twitter @heliaphoenix or Instagram @heliaphoenix.

As well as us, there were TWO MORE great individuals featured from Cardiff:

More about the Happy List:

Our world can often feel dominated by fame, cynicism, disgrace and greed. The Happy List offers a welcome chance to celebrate a different set of values, honouring those who help others without thought of enriching themselves – in many cases at considerable personal cost. That’s something we should all feel happy and optimistic about. If you know of someone you think should have been included, then please let us know and we will consider them next year. 

The Independent – The Happy List 2018

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The City, The People

New zero-waste store aims to make ripples in Cardiff

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You might have spotted the super exciting Kickstarter campaign for a new zero-waste store in Cardiff called ripple. As you know, we LOVE small actions that turn into big changes. So today, Sophie Rae – the kick-ass woman behind the idea – tells us all about her amazing concept…

Sophie Rae KickstarterRipple, Cardiff’s first not-for-profit zero-waste store, has launched a Kickstarter to bring the shop to the city in time for a new wave of conscious consumers.

Inspired by the independent community of Cardiff, ripple founder and Cardiff native, Sophie Rae, launched the crowd funding campaign on 16th July at fellow not-for-profit business Big Mooose Coffee.

Pledgers have shown their support in vast numbers, with the campaign reaching 25% of its target within 72 hours! Here’s why you should back the project too:

So, what’s ripple about?

It’s simple really. Ripple is all about conscious consuming; from food to fashion choices. We think everyone deserves the chance to shop more ethically. When one person makes a change, everyone else pays attention, because ripples create waves. That, and you know… plastic.

Ripple_KickstarterCampaign_09 (1)

What’s wrong with plastic?

Don’t misunderstand us, we’re not anti-plastic. It’s a material that’s saving lives and has a much-needed purpose worldwide.

But single-use plastics? Yeah, they suck. BIG TIME. Plastic bags, water bottles, coffee cups, straws, packaging, wet wipes, sanitary products… the list is endless and it’s getting longer.

The ugly truth

By 2050, it’s estimated there will be more plastic than fish, in our world ocean. Studies estimate that 8 million tonnes of plastic waste is dumped into the ocean each year and by 2025, that’s set to double.

Worried yet? Us too. Plastic packaging accounts for an eye-watering fifth of the cost of your weekly shop. What if you could shop package free? Well, we’d all be saving a lot of money and precious resources.

refillable containers at ripple

So what is a zero-waste store?

To help the people of Cardiff pass on plastic, ripple will offer over 120 bulk wholefoods and encourage customers to bring their own containers, jars, tubs and bags to refill every time they shop. And because the team believe in treating every creature with kindness, they’ll be be stocking the best natural and cruelty-free home and beauty products too, from eco laundry detergent to shampoo, soap and washing-up liquid.

There’s even going to be some sustainable homeware and ethical fashion thrown in for good measure. Think bamboo socks and organic cotton underwear!

Sophie tell us:

I watched Blue Planet II in 2017 and was deeply shocked to see the devastating harm humans are having on our planet. Since then, I’ve felt pretty ethically queasy. My zero-waste journey started not long after, I’ve been making small changes to help lighten my personal plastic footprint.

The campaign is helping create sustainable foundations for ripple, so our impact can be bigger and bolder than we could have ever imagined on our own. It really is a  community project, led by the people of the city.

I hope ripple will change the way Cardiff consumes, so that we can turn Wales’ capital into a true green city. That’s what ripple is all about:making small, sustainable changes to help create a bigger impact.

Ripple_ToteBag-Kickstarter (1)

Ripple’s Kickstarter campaign will close at 11:59pm on Sunday 29th July, when the target of £30,000 must be reached or no funding will be released.

To help entice supporters to pledge, ripple has collaborated with local independent businesses to offer rewards, including zero-waste starter kits, Hot Pod Yoga class passes and ethical accessories from Cardiff-based fashion brand Maykher.

To support the campaign, find the pledge page here or follow ripple’s
journey across social media at Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.

kickstarter tickets (1)

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The People

Meet Flameholder, aka Ruffstylz, aka Dan Lloyd – hip hop pioneer, emcee, activist

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Today we have the pleasure of chatting with Flameholder, aka Ruffstylz, aka Dan Lloyd – Cardiff based hip hop pioneer, emcee, activist. 

I grew up in London until I was about seven or eight years old, enough to get the London attitude towards life into me but not long enough so it consumed me; making a three year detour through living in Kent to coming to Cardiff was great for me I think in that it gave me the best of both worlds – that big city energy mixed with some breathing space.

In Kent I was there when hip-hop started to blossom, me and my friends were actually out there dragging our lino round to different places, breakdancing on the streets and seeing the early hip-hop classic films when they came out. It was Michael Jackson’s Thriller era too, it was a blessing to be there around the start of these huge cultural phenomenons.

We came to Cardiff and I became a right little nerd (there’s a family video of me that might make you want to end my life). I went from being the sort of kid who wouldn’t be scared to get in a fight to a shy and vulnerable type. I went through the typical growing up process and after years of introspection, curiously questioning everything about life and learning individuality I reconnected with my early hip-hop roots when I tried writing lyrics. I instantly came out with something that had talent in it but I was really aware of the corny bits. I definitely didn’t want to let it go though, I had a spark and I knew that if I kept changing what I didn’t like about it I’d be left with what I did like. Hip-hop was a huge part of the development of my confidence.

It was in Cardiff I became fully fascinated with music, always listening for what was new and interesting. In particular I’d become fixated on remixes; if something was a remix I had to hear it. I loved Shep Pettibone, he was a producer who did remixes for everyone up to Madonna and the way he sampled and played with people’s vocals was a whole new world to me. I started using a mechanical double tape deck to make remixes of tracks using the pause button. I got really good at it and pushed the boundaries of the equipment I was using beyond what it was meant for but people never really heard them, I didn’t push my talent out there enough. Part of me thinks if I was focused enough with what I was doing then I could have been a nationally recognised Radio 1 DJ today or something similar. I think it’s good to tell people thoughts like that about what we feel we haven’t achieved, we all probably have them in our head to some degree.

I periodically kept up the writing, called myself Ruffstylz and became really focused on the strength of maximising the power of words – the same principle behind what poets like Saul Williams and Buddy Wakefield do. I sharpened it and sharpened it until I felt I got rid of the weak spots. Ultimately though the Cardiff music scene was still apathetic at the time, before the 2000 mark. I was passionate about getting things going with emceeing or DJing but I could barely find anyone with the same enthusiasm.

I moved back to London for two years and started to make some sort of name for myself. I was received there in the way I’d always wanted. I also got myself into music journalism, I wrote for Ministry (Of Sound) magazine, Music Week and Hip-Hop Connection. The biggest thing I did was being sent to review Eminem’s show by his record company. A big part of my passion was in wanting urban music to be treated with the same respect as all the jangly indie stuff that was celebrated by the radio and I tried to bring more light to the talent in the UK that I felt was unfairly overlooked.

I came back to Cardiff when I’d ran out of money and the time was right for me and two friends Dregz and Kaptin (now head of music at Boomtown Fair) to start a night called Higher Learning at The Toucan Club (the best club in Cardiff hands down if you ask me).

Boom, that was it, as soon as we provided a stage for local talent all that untapped energy I knew was in Cardiff exploded and I lost count of the amount of classic nights we had. We brought everyone from Task Force to Rahzel and Arrested Development there. People loved it, it was amazing. Also my friend Dan came up with the idea of starting a label called Associated Minds. We did it, grew to a team of eight and put out loads of great material. I never felt the press in the area ever really recognised us or supported us but we played all over the UK. Me and Beatbox Fozzy had a really special and innovative show that killed it everywhere we went. Fozzy’s one of the most talented people I’ve ever met, he’s never stopped blowing my mind.

We once supported Rhys Ifans’ group The Peth, they nearly took us on tour with them. I also went to work for and then be tour manager for Killa Kela, a beatboxer who’s performed with Prince, Pharrell Williams and Justin Timberlake. It was an honour to be around his talent and his whole team Spit Kingdom operated properly to a world class standard, it was highly inspiring.

A number of years back I went to a theatre audition in London my friend Jason Camilleri (the aforementioned Dregz) at Sherman Theatre/Welsh Millennium Centre referred me to. As a result of getting it I got trained in acting, improvisational skills and physical theatre. We then put together a show called Freestyle Forums with the directors Kwesi Johnson (someone who’s addicted to always trying something new) and Felix Cross from Nitro Theatre where we performed a 20 minute play about a young person getting involved in a gang and getting stabbed, then we’d say to the audience we’d perform it again and this time at any point they could put their hand up, say “Freeze”, we would freeze still, then they could come down and take the place of the main character, make different decisions and see if they could make the story have a different outcome while we improvised the rest of the play around them in freestyle rap.

In addition to being really innovative it had a good social purpose of making young people think about how they have the option of making different decisions in bad situations. We did a few performances in schools. I was playing the leader of the gang and in a school in Bristol one of the boys who seemed like he was part of a little gang of troublemakers came up to me and said “Whoa, you’re evil” with wide eyes. It made me happy that I did it well enough that he wasn’t just laughing along with the badness. We also did a Whose Line Is It Anyway variation style of the show where we improvised freestyle along with video footage. All of this really used us to the full, it was super challenging and very satisfying when we succeeded.

I then got involved in a show called Serious Money with director Mathilde Lopez. She’s a genius, working with her is perfect. I had to convert two Ian Dury songs into rap versions for the cast to perform. The Guardian gave it 4 stars. Then I was in Praxis Makes Perfect by National Theatre Wales which was Gruff Rhys’ group Neon Neon’s album/theatre show combined into one. It was immersive theatre, where the set, the actors and the audience all move around each other all the time. The response was overwhelming, damn near everyone treated it like one of the biggest triumphs in theatre from this area. I’d always wondered to myself if I’d be able to act and I never guessed how all these things I got involved with would move me into new and uncharted territory each time.

Following that I was getting very dismayed with the state of the world and I really latched onto some of the internet documentaries that came out that decoded and explained how society actually works. I loved the Zeitgeist films and ended up supporting the Zeitgeist Movement heavily, just because it was so inspiring and the ultimate in open-mindedness. I suppose you’d call it activism. I also went and got involved with the Occupy Movement in London, Cardiff and Bristol and gave a talk about the idea of a resource-based economy at Occupy Bristol and also at Cardiff’s Philosophy Café (I’m actually the only person I’ve seen who’s been allowed to speak there who’s not an academic). Occupy was amazing as an open forum on the streets but the only thing they weren’t really willing to question was money itself. Zeitgeist has the best ideas I can find but I realised in the end it’s too intellectual for people, we need something that communicates the same messages that hits them in the heart. I think Russell Brand came really close.

I’m not a vocational person, I’m a leaf in the wind just trying to do good things. I’m allergic to settling for second best; I think I’m a visionary who can see the potential of society and I’ve done everything I can to try and contribute to its growth. I want an unprecedented, historic, life-changing, global spiritual evolution – the big one we’ve all been waiting for but have been made to feel too small to talk about or create. The removal of limits in our minds and the will to change our social system from a competitive to a cooperative one. The reclaiming of us living in a way where we’re hungry to dive into the mystery of life. Metaphysical thinking. The reduction of science to its appropriate size in the grand scheme of things and a humility for the sheer brain breaking, mind-boggling unknowable size of everything we don’t know, in line with the indescribably beautiful poetic way the whole of existence works in perfect harmony. Let’s go for Utopia. If anyone has the resources to go for the best meal/the best job/the best house/the best partner then we’re all over it. Apply the same thoughts to changing the social system and people go ‘Whoa…’ and say it’s not possible. All it is is fear and negativity and negativity is weak.

i don’t feel comfortable talking about myself, it makes me self-conscious straight away because with everything I do I want people to take away the meaning or inspiration of what I’m showcasing and do something with it themselves but I can say throughout all of this Cardiff has been a great base to do my thing in. There’s nothing specific I could say about why but it just continues to have this lovely extended circle of hundreds of really cool people who are interesting and interested in things, I feel you can talk to people here in Cardiff and they listen.

Dan Lloyd now performs and produces as Flameholder: find out more …

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